Getting Support From People Around You

Building Relationships That Support Your Alcohol-Free Life

When I first tried to quit drinking, I didn’t want anyone to know.

I was embarrassed.

I was afraid people would judge me. I didn’t want anyone thinking I had a drinking problem, and I certainly didn’t want anyone calling me an alcoholic.

Never mind that most of the people close to me probably already knew I had a problem.

I still wanted to keep it a secret.

Looking back, I can see how much harder I made things for myself.

Because here’s something I eventually learned: you don’t have to quit drinking alone, and you don’t have to tell everyone, either.

There’s a big difference between keeping your personal life private and trying to hide something because you’re ashamed.

And learning that difference made a real impact on my life.

Why Is It So Hard to Tell People You’re Quitting?

For me, the biggest obstacle was the fear of being judged.

There’s a stigma attached to having a problem with alcohol. It was even stronger years ago when I was struggling to quit, and although attitudes are changing, that stigma certainly hasn’t disappeared.

People can be surprisingly quick to attach labels to someone who decides to stop drinking.

And I didn’t want one of those labels attached to me.

I didn’t want people talking about me. I didn’t want them wondering how much I’d been drinking or whether I’d lost control of my life.

I especially didn’t want to admit that alcohol had become a problem.

So I tried to quit quietly, without telling anyone.

The trouble with that approach was that it left me with very little accountability and almost no opportunity to receive encouragement.

I was trying to make a major change in my life while pretending nothing was changing at all.

That’s a pretty difficult balancing act.

The Unexpected Benefit of Telling People

Eventually, I discovered something interesting.

Most people were supportive.

In fact, many were genuinely encouraging.

At first, I was surprised. Now I realize that some of them probably understood how much I needed to make a change, even when I wasn’t ready to acknowledge it myself.

And telling people had another benefit.

It made me more accountable.

Think about it. If you’ve told someone you’re quitting drinking, it’s a lot harder to casually order a glass of wine in front of them.

For someone like me, who worried constantly about what other people thought, that accountability was powerful.

I didn’t want people judging me for drinking after I’d told them I was quitting.

Was fear of judgment the ideal motivation?

Probably not.

But it helped me stick with my decision while I was learning to build confidence in myself.

Over time, my reasons for not drinking became much more personal. I wasn’t doing it to satisfy anyone else’s expectations.

I was doing it because I loved the life I was creating.

When Someone Is Proud Before You’re Ready

My son was probably the person who was most proud of me when I quit drinking.

He was so proud that he told everybody!

And I was not particularly happy about that.

I was still uncomfortable with people knowing. I hadn’t reached the point where I could talk openly about my drinking without feeling embarrassed.

He saw something worth celebrating.

I saw something I wanted to keep private.

Looking back, I understand his excitement. He was happy about the change I was making.

But that experience taught me something important about support.

Even people who love you and want the best for you may not understand how you want to share your story.

You get to decide who knows about your decision to quit drinking and how much you want to tell them.

It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I appreciate your support, but I’d rather tell people myself when I’m ready.”

Someone can be proud of you and still need to respect your privacy.

You Don’t Owe Everyone an Explanation

These days, I don’t always announce that I don’t drink.

I just don’t drink.

If I’m out with people and someone orders wine, I order something else.

Sometimes I suspect they’re wondering why.

That’s fine.

People I’ve met since quitting are often curious about my decision. Most are perfectly pleasant about it. Occasionally, I sense a little judgment.

And every once in a while, someone says something that reminds me why I used to be so reluctant to talk about it.

I once had a coworker ask me, “What, are you an alcoholic?”

Really?

That’s the kind of response that makes me cringe.

I refuse to define myself by that negative label.

Alcohol was the problem. Not me.

I had developed a problem with drinking, and I made the decision to change my life.

That’s the story I choose to tell.

And if someone wants to know why I don’t drink, I can decide how much of that story I want to share.

Sometimes a simple “I don’t drink” is enough.

Other times, I might explain that quitting was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And sometimes, if I feel comfortable with the person, I’ll tell them much more.

The choice is mine.

It’s yours, too.

Not Everyone Will Support You in the Same Way

When you’re changing your relationship with alcohol, it helps to recognize that the people around you may respond very differently.

Some will encourage you.

Some won’t understand why you’re quitting.

Some may continue offering you drinks out of habit, without realizing they’re making things difficult.

And a few may actively encourage you to drink, even after you’ve made your decision clear.

In the Quit Drinking Plan, I talk about two kinds of people who can make quitting harder: Instigators and Enablers.

An Instigator is someone who encourages drinking. They might pressure you to have a drink, tease you about your decision, or insist that one won’t hurt.

An Enabler is someone whose actions make it easier for your old drinking habits to continue, even if they aren’t deliberately trying to undermine you.

These aren’t necessarily bad people.

Sometimes they’re simply accustomed to the way things have always been.

Your decision to quit drinking may change a familiar routine or affect the way you spend time together.

And not everyone adjusts immediately.

The important thing is to recognize which interactions support your decision and which ones make it harder.

You don’t have to judge the people involved.

But you do need to pay attention to how their behavior affects you.

Sometimes Friendships Have to Change

This is something I’m still working through myself.

One of my closest friends continues to drink heavily, and she has no desire to stop.

She’s supportive of my decision not to drink.

But we don’t spend nearly as much time together as we once did.

It’s not because she’s a bad friend.

It’s because I’ve discovered that I don’t particularly enjoy going places where alcohol has to be the main attraction.

I don’t mind being around people who are drinking. In most situations, it doesn’t bother me at all.

What I find difficult is spending time with people whose lives seem to revolve around drinking.

There’s a difference.

I can happily go to dinner with someone who enjoys a glass of wine.

But if every outing, every celebration, and every conversation somehow has to involve alcohol, I start losing interest.

That’s simply not the life I want anymore.

And I’ve come to accept that some relationships may naturally become less central to my life as my interests and priorities change.

It doesn’t mean I have to stop caring about someone.

It means I can care about them while making choices that are better for me.

Setting Boundaries Without Making a Big Production of It

One of the things I’ve learned is that boundaries don’t always require a dramatic conversation.

Sometimes they do.

If someone repeatedly pressures you to drink, you may need to be direct.

“I’ve decided not to drink, and I’d appreciate it if you stopped offering.”

That’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

But sometimes setting a boundary is as simple as choosing a different activity.

Instead of meeting at a bar, suggest breakfast.

Instead of spending Saturday afternoon drinking, go for a walk, visit a museum, or try something new.

And if someone isn’t interested in spending time together unless alcohol is involved?

Well, that tells you something about the relationship.

You don’t have to turn it into an argument.

You can simply choose how and where you spend your time.

Your decision not to drink doesn’t require everyone else to change. But it may require you to change how you interact with them.

Find People Who Understand What You’re Doing

Family and friends can be wonderful sources of support.

But sometimes the people closest to you don’t fully understand what quitting drinking feels like.

They may be happy for you without understanding why a particular situation is difficult.

Or they may assume that once you’ve stopped drinking, the hard part is over.

That’s where connecting with other people who understand the experience can be helpful.

You might find that support through a group, an online community, a counselor, or someone you know who has also quit drinking.

You don’t have to join a particular program or adopt a label that doesn’t feel right to you.

There are different kinds of support available, and you can choose what works for your needs and personality.

The Quit Drinking Plan website has a Support Groups & Communities resource page where you can explore some of those options.

And remember, support doesn’t have to mean talking about alcohol all the time.

It can also mean building friendships around activities you enjoy, meeting people who share your interests, and creating a social life that doesn’t depend on drinking.

That’s part of building a new life, too.

Your Support System Can Change as You Change

When I first tried to quit drinking, I was afraid of what people would think.

Now I’m much more comfortable talking about my experience.

I still feel embarrassed occasionally. I still don’t enjoy being judged.

But I’ve discovered that when I do share my story, people are usually far more accepting than I expected.

And I often feel better afterward.

That doesn’t mean I’ve reached some magical point where everybody understands me and every relationship is perfect.

I’m still learning which relationships fit my life and how I want to spend my time.

Some friendships have changed.

Some people are no longer part of my everyday life.

And I’ve met new people who know me as someone who simply doesn’t drink.

That’s an interesting change in itself.

They don’t know the old version of me. They know the person I am today.

And I rather like that person.

Final Thoughts

You may be surprised by how much support you receive when you tell people you’ve decided to quit drinking.

I certainly was.

But I also want you to know that you don’t have to share your story with everyone.

You can be open with the people you trust, private with people you don’t know well, and firm with anyone who questions your decision.

You can appreciate the people who support you while recognizing that some relationships may need to change.

And you can build new friendships around the life you’re creating rather than the drinking habits you’re leaving behind.

I spent a long time worrying about what people would think of me.

These days, I’m much more interested in what I think of myself.

You don’t need everyone’s approval to quit drinking. But you deserve to have people in your life who respect your decision.